Spring Awakening

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die...

Over a year ago, in the depths of my first Canberra winter after 3 years away, I started this blog. I wrote a little fictional story bout running across Commonwealth Bridge, wondering about the direction I was going. In a way, it was an existential dip in my life back in Canberra. Six months after coming back from Thailand, a couple of seasons had passed and we had lived a few months in our new house. The newness of it all was beginning to fade, and in its place was reality of the rest of my life.

That metaphorical me on the bridge was assessing my life, contemplating my faults and all the things I had yet to, or failed to, achieve. I endeavoured to look at myself in the mirror, find out what mattered to me, and pursue those things that made my life fulfilling. I started this blog as a means to document my self reflection, and the ways in which I would change.

It takes a lot to change your plans

Hella drain to change your mind...

In the time since, only xx posts have been published. Some of them are still very much in draft form. Looking back, this blog is yet another one of the half-hearted attempts at something in my life, and it has fallen away after the initial 3 month rush. I think I had a go, but not a real hard go. I’ve tried, but made excuses, such as saying that work was busy, that other things were on my mind, that I write all the time as part of work so didn’t have the energy to write at home. In reflecting on the last year or so, I’ve made a lot of strides in my personal life, such as getting fitter, gardening more, and improving at work - but blogging and writing creatively has really taken a back seat.

I feel comfortable enough now to acknowledge my writing for what it is: sporadic, unfocused, unformed. It is not a priority in my life, not now, and maybe not ever. But there is a constant nagging desire there, to capture my thoughts and feelings, for now and for posterity. Perhaps it is something that afflicts us all, but I’m too reserved to say anything so universal. I also have a desire to write creatively and critically about films, the cultural art form that I’m most interested and well-versed in.

But sometimes, the settings are not right - I’m not by myself to write, I haven’t had the downtime to get into the creative space, I’m stressed, I have things to say but not the will to turn it into something readable, let alone artistic and well-written. Then I feel bad about not continuing, or if i do continue, it is not my best work.

I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from

I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good

But if I could take spirits from my past and bring' 'em here

You know I would, you know I would

It’s good to know this about myself. To paraphrase The Hours (film version): to look at yourself in the face, to know yourself for who you are, to love yourself for who you are, and then, to put it away. Knowing that the style of writing I’ve had before is not working, maybe there is some other type of writing that works for me. Or another way of writing that works for me. My past experiences are not failures, just merely steps towards finding the best way for me to write.  

That is all I can achieve, building, stride by stride, reimagining failure into learning experiences. Improving can only occur when you reflect, pivot, evolve, and from there renewal occurs. It is never revolution. Always evolution.

So the next iteration of whatever writing I do, is informed by my past experiences. Right now, I want my writing to reflect me as a person, as a lawyer, as a gay person, as a ESL Vietnamese refugee. As a greenie. As a lapsed social justice warrior.

Nobody speaks to God these days

Nobody speaks to God these days

I'd like to think he's looking down and laughing at our ways

Nobody speaks to God these days

God, religion, ethics. From my perspective as a lawyer, they are all about one thing. Intention. Religion and ethics are frameworks in which we lead intentional lives, whatever those higher intentions may be. I think my intentions in life are reflected above. It’s nice to have a firm intention, but I acknowledge that it is also strained and flexible.

I think I still have the same underlying intention for this blog. An intention to reflect on my life, and to lead an intention, ethical, sustainable, contributory life. I recently finished watching The Good Place, and the first season’s exploration of ethics and morality really struck a chord with me. The first season was a metaphysical and philosophical evaluation of Eleanor’s life. It is a modern comedy that is a modern rubric to reexamine what is the internal needle that is our moral compass. It’s an intense process, but rewarding. It’s why I found the first season so great, but also why I thought the later seasons suffer, because those seasons stray from this intention, becoming more like a typical comedy, and less about exploration of ethics.

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

Oh, maybe it's time to let the old ways die

The lyrics quotes in this blog come from the song ‘Maybe It’s Time’ from ‘A Star is Born’. One of the things that film is about is perspective. A star is born, a star dies. It’s the same 12 notes of the octave over and over again. Things change, and old ways die. If you’re stuck in your old ways, perhaps you will die with them too.

I tried to write this blog in ways that don’t seem to gel well with how I operate. I tried a schedule, I tried to marry film with personal reflection. I tried to reach for the sun, but never lifted off in the first place. Maybe this time, I’ll try to have film related writings reverting to my old blog Lam Chop Chop, and it will reflect social justice minded, in-depth explorations. This blog will remain a personal reflection blog, with longer essays, on a topic about me that is of interest. I’ll have no schedule, just trying to write for at least a 2 hour block in my life. I think one of my defining characteristics, and that of the blogs, will be my self-reflection and introversion. It’s a real cornerstone of how I live, experience and write.